Get your fingers off his fucking dick:
Oh, it seems so simple to say when we’re
drenched in sweat, stuck to benches and
watching the club lights flicker us back to nightlights,
but when the morning crests, we’ll be asleep in sweaters,
little cuts of trash in this shithole town –
That’s when the words will truly stick.
Emotion only slides right before sleep slips in.
A million liquids fill the night air, and I’m feverish.
Only a couple of inches to close before I reclaim my territory
in flushed skin and rabid nails, bitten with the bitter nervousness.
We’re both whores, honey,
playing telephone to each other and
filtering assumptions through his tinny ears.
These we nibble, sour sweets – [poor] kids in a candy store,
touching is louder in pitch black.
Which is why it erupts with endless echoing
when we both discover that’s it’s
you that’s touching me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I edited the title, since the rating system doesn't seem to be working. Anyways, of everything I've read by you, this wasn't your best. Not even close. The premise and word choice are surely lacking. I don't have much time for a long critique, but let me just say, this was a very straight-forward poem, a little too much. I liked the poems (by you) that made me think. Also, just so you know, the first stanza is basically one gigantic sentence and then a short sentence(or that's what the punctuation leads me to believe). Just seems kinda weird.
The colon really shouldn't be there. I think a period would suffice.
Huh? Just...please explain that. I don't really know what you're talking about, but due to the first sentence in the poem, I think I might have the right idea.